Betcha there’d be more posts there if people actually knew where to get kites…

Someone, somewhere has evidently misinterpreted the fact that US presidential candidate Kamala Harris (pictured center) is of Indian ancestry - as in her family is from the country in south Asia - and instead photoshopped her into the stereotypical Native American “Indian” aesthetic. Why they have chosen to do this eludes me.

“Oh, this new post already has a comment, let’s check it out! … Dang it!”

That’s pretty much my gripe. One time I saw a post with maybe six, seven comments, opened it up, and they were all either the bot, or replies to the bot.

And even if you block the bot the post still shows up as having comments. So you’ll open up a post boasting the aforementioned six or seven comments expecting to find a lively debate, or at least a wisecrack about global affairs, and leave with a bunch of tumbleweeds and the lingering knowledge that somewhere, two or more people are arguing with a machine about whether or not it thinks the newspaper is any good.

Beyond that, it also just runs way worse; new.reddit takes at least twice as long to load a page than old.reddit. And when your entire business model is based on exploiting my stunted attention span to trick me into reading advertisements, you can’t give me that extra two and a half seconds to realize maybe I don’t give a shit about half the garbage I just mindlessly scrolled through, or else I’m gonna just go, like, fly a kite or something. And I don’t wanna do that, where do you even get a kite?

And hell, it’s entirely possible this rate limit isn’t just restricted to old.reddit, but nobody’s noticed yet because new.reddit is too slow to make 100 requests in a measly 10 minutes.

There’s always old reliable, “that thing over there”

“Complicit in faking the moon landing/covering up the Flat Earth™” are the obvious ones. “Space cadet” always a classic. These, being the low-hanging fruit, I think will be the ones we’ll see the most going forward, but I’d still like to throw my hat in the ring:

“An astronaut? You mean those guys that get off on flying their little rockets out of the atmosphere so they can breathe bottled air for a week? Like some sort of oxygen cuck?”

(obviously this implies a repubican pundit using the word “atmosphere” in a complete sentence, so I think we’re safe)

I’ve had nightmares containing the phrase “Vice President Shapiro” and I’d like to avoid having that image in my head for even just the split-second it takes me to disambiguate the two.

Also the other guy’s been to space, so.

“Now now, Batman, you should know that when a little pest like you dances with the Bug Zapper… He’d better be ready for a shock!”

I only purchased this toothbrush because that was the only way to get the water-resistant Entertainment Center/Speaker/Corporate Surveillance Device for the one room in my house that is the least comfortable, has the worst acoustics, and has the strongest expectation of privacy, and also I can’t just put a regular Alexa in like a plastic bag or something because I blew my plastic bag budget on a fucking app-controlled toothbrush or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be, jesus christ

Shit, an emulator getting taken down for… actual copyright infringement? You don’t see that every day.

Well your corp don’t dance and if it don’t dance then it’s no friend of mine

Of course… I’ve been collecting treasured works of art and culture, when I should have been hoarding authentic screen-used Hollywood memorabilia and officially-licensed tie-in merchandise - the true paragons of human invention! Damn you! Damn you, and your citadel of props!

You’re all fools! You should just be hoarding the screenplays on trusty ink and paper, or perhaps etched into clay tablets to deter silverfish and parchment mites. When the great solar-amberic conjunction erases all earth’s digital media simultaneously and nothing else, me and my travelling theater troupe are going to make post-apocalyptic bank with live re-enactments of all of cinema’s greatest moments, just you wait!

does that mean that 36x10²⁵ Scaramuccis is equal to one ronnaRonna?

Mar-a-Lago, Palm Beach, Florida

Holy shit. I’ve figured it out. I’ve cracked the master plan.

“Um, excuse me, stolen classified documents piled high to the rafters in my bathroom? I believe that’s the New York attorney general’s bathroom, athankyouverymuch. Case dismissed!”

This makes the fairly generous assumption that the man is capable of planning, but whatever.

I was gonna make some joke like “is one of them ‘being pressured into taking out a predatory loan at age 17?’”, but then I went to actually read the article, missed the “Continue Reading” button, and mistook the list of “Trending Now” links at the bottom of the page for the qualifying factors… I was very confused as to why:

1. Your 50-year-old mom building a $1.3B startup
2. Being a 29-year-old making $125,000 working in tech without a bachelor’s degree
3. The value of bitcoin being ‘halved’, or
4. Nvidia stock prices soaring over the past 5 years

Would qualify someone for debt forgiveness. Hell, I was confused why your billionaire mom would let you take out student loans to begin with. I thought billionaires loved nepotism. And who’s this guy with student loans without a bachelor’s degree? Needless to say, I had assumed the whole administration had lost its mind.

(“being pressured into taking out a predatory loan at age 17” is not, explicitly, one of the 17 factors.)